Cock-ups with French

I have had the following cock-ups trying to speak/decipher the French spoken in Belgium:

The Moisturising Shower Gel Cock-Up- Have been using a white, milky shower gel as moisturiser for some time. Figured today why half my skin has fallen off.

The Peanut Peach Beer Cock-Up - Tried to put on my best Frech for the cute bartender while asking her for a pint of peach beer. After about five minutes of explanation, she gave me what I took to be a flitatiously comprehending look and went off to get the beer. When she came back she was holding a bowl of peanuts. I didn't want to go through the entire process again so I resorted to animal behaviour and pointed to the item on the menu.

The Food Cock-Ups - Have bought tuna sanwhiches thinking them to be ham, ginger paste thinking it to be garlic, ordered chicken instead of beef and, judging by the coffee I'm served in the canteen I must be asking for a large cup of steaming rat droppings.

Standing Orders

A recent team dossier distributed amongst the Indian cricket players states that sex enchances sporting performance. Opinion may be divided on this but, going by the heading of the story in the bottom right hand corner, AB De Villers clearly agrees that South Africa have some catching up to do in this regard.

Landing Trouble

EasyJet has cut its flights from Luton airpost due to "alleged disagreement with the airport authorites on landing fees." My knowledge of the aviation industry is limited to the knowledge that many Kuwait air does not serve alcohol and the nose flegm passes for "juice" on British Airways. Even so, I can just imagine the following conversation between an EasyJet pilot and Luton Air Traffic Control -

EasyJet Pilot: EasyJet to Luton ATC, are we all clear for landing?
Luton ATC: Er, you haven't paid your landing fees. You can't land here.
EasyJet Pilot: WHAT? But I just took off from here this morning?
Luton ATC: Taking off's fine. It's landing that we have trouble with. You see you haven't paid your landing fees.
EasyJet Pilot: So what am I supposed to do? My wife's expecting me back for dinner.
Luton ATC: Err...
EasyJet Pilot: I'm going to crash!
Luton ATC: I think that's fine. So long as you don't actually land.

London #2

I was a little apprehensive putting down Stanfords Map & Book Store in Covent Garden at London #2, given that I had already put Daunt Books on the list. Two specialist travel bookstores would be a bit obsessive. However, Stanfords is the exact antithesis of Daunt - while Daunt represents the easy ability to find a cosy niche in a busy city like London, Stanfords illustrates why so may people come to London and find it incredibly diffcult to be bored by it - Stanfords specializes in highly detailed, pocket sized maps from different countries, made specially for hikers.