Cock-ups with French

I have had the following cock-ups trying to speak/decipher the French spoken in Belgium:

The Moisturising Shower Gel Cock-Up- Have been using a white, milky shower gel as moisturiser for some time. Figured today why half my skin has fallen off.

The Peanut Peach Beer Cock-Up - Tried to put on my best Frech for the cute bartender while asking her for a pint of peach beer. After about five minutes of explanation, she gave me what I took to be a flitatiously comprehending look and went off to get the beer. When she came back she was holding a bowl of peanuts. I didn't want to go through the entire process again so I resorted to animal behaviour and pointed to the item on the menu.

The Food Cock-Ups - Have bought tuna sanwhiches thinking them to be ham, ginger paste thinking it to be garlic, ordered chicken instead of beef and, judging by the coffee I'm served in the canteen I must be asking for a large cup of steaming rat droppings.