Suitcases at Airports

It always cracks me up to see suitcase showrooms at airports. I mean who would turn up at an airport and think, "fuck, I forgot my suitcase, lets buy one here."

I knew I should have stopped by the Samsonite at the airport.

3 Lines

Three lines of text made me smile recently. These were:

1. Jesus said to John, "come forth and I will give you eternal life." John came fifth and won a toaster.
2. "New Bridge Held Up By Red Tape."
3. Liverpool 2. Manchester United 0.

Pis and Tourism

I have a habit of going to cities and not actually getting round to visiting any of it's notable sights. It's not something I do consciously. I just find it more natural (if not more exciting) to read a book at a cafe in Paris rather than go up the Eiffel Tower. This is the reason I am yet to see any of London's museums or monuments (I came across Big Ben completely by accident while I was lost).

As for Brussels, it never occurred to me that there was much in the city to justify venturing out of the house/pub on a weekend. However, a friend of mine came over from London this Saturday and on a piss rainy afternoon we had to go out to buy chocolates. As a result I got to see the Grand Place (it's called the finest square in Europe and I can see how on a sunny day it would be a good place to have a drink) and came across (again by accident) the city's symbol, the Maneken Pis. The Maneken Pis (picture right) is a 2 foot high statue of a boy peeing. Even on as rainy a day as last Saturday there were hordes of tourists near it, taking photographs. I was stunned. Child porn jokes aside, I could not figure why anyone would want to take pictures of a little statue of a boy peeing which hardly has an interesting back story. It was as if Lonely Planet was playing a typically Belgian joke on those who were stupid enough to buy their Brussels Guide, knowing that its readers would go (with camera in hand of course) where it told them to irrespective of whether it was a grand monument or an unremarkable statue of a little boy urinating.

Field Research

The sale of Drugs in the Netherlands is "illegal but not punishable."

As a lawyer, this is clearly a legal oddity that I must explore. I leave on Saturday for some field research into the issue.

Belgian Bureaucracy

I haven't posted much in Brussels mainly because it is one of the less remarkable places in the world. Should have seen it coming really: Any city with a small statue of a little boy peeing (which I must note, I haven't seen as yet) as its main attraction is not going to have much to offer. Brussels' mundane nature is, at least in part, due to a mania for bureaucracy which only the Belgians seem to posses. Consider the following discussion -

Garbage Officer: You put your garbage in the wrong bag and threw it out on the wrong day?
Unsuspecting Foreigner: I, me...you, what?
Garbage Officer: Garbage must be thrown out on Tuesdays in appropriate bags available at the Commune general office.
Unsuspecting Foreigner: I, me, you...what?

A week later

Garbage Officer: You put your garbage in the wrong bag?

Unsuspecting Foreigner: No I got these white bags and put them out on a Tuesday.

Garbage Officer: Only foodstuffs can go in the white bag. Paper, bottles and breakables go in the green bag and other items go in the yellow bags.

Unsuspecting Foreigner: I, me, what...you?

Cock-ups with French

I have had the following cock-ups trying to speak/decipher the French spoken in Belgium:

The Moisturising Shower Gel Cock-Up- Have been using a white, milky shower gel as moisturiser for some time. Figured today why half my skin has fallen off.

The Peanut Peach Beer Cock-Up - Tried to put on my best Frech for the cute bartender while asking her for a pint of peach beer. After about five minutes of explanation, she gave me what I took to be a flitatiously comprehending look and went off to get the beer. When she came back she was holding a bowl of peanuts. I didn't want to go through the entire process again so I resorted to animal behaviour and pointed to the item on the menu.

The Food Cock-Ups - Have bought tuna sanwhiches thinking them to be ham, ginger paste thinking it to be garlic, ordered chicken instead of beef and, judging by the coffee I'm served in the canteen I must be asking for a large cup of steaming rat droppings.

Standing Orders

A recent team dossier distributed amongst the Indian cricket players states that sex enchances sporting performance. Opinion may be divided on this but, going by the heading of the story in the bottom right hand corner, AB De Villers clearly agrees that South Africa have some catching up to do in this regard.